Hello, hello! Here I am, back to another question. This time, I’m going to just paste the full email, since I think otherwise I might run the risk of not doing it justice.

Dear Tom,

I’m Gray, i’m 22 years old and i’ve been a viewer since 2021, and your content got me through some of my toughest times that year, along with others like tubbo and Jack also being a major help.

My question is fairly simple in its basic form, how do you view masculinity? And obviously one could always say “it’s being strong and brave”, and other male stereotypes. However when i explain more i think maybe you’ll understand why it’s a little more complicated.

See for me personally, I’m a transgender man. So i was born a woman, meaning i grew up as a girl and was pushed into very strict feminine gender norms my entire life. And growing up i think i had a pretty strict view on what gender roles were, largely because i was raised religious. But as i’ve gotten older and especially since i came out at trans, these roles seem so convoluted and forced, and it’s left me questioning what actually defines a man.

Now i truthfully am not bothered by dictionary or biological definitions because gender is after all a social construct. But i am curious what it means to individuals, especially ones such as yourself who have had people looking up to you during your formative years as a man.

My gender transition is very focused on goals, i have my sights set on gym goals and presentation goals, and i have people in the public eye who represent the kind of masculinity i want to embody and i have ideas of what i think masculinity should look like within society going forward.

So i suppose when it boils down to it all, after all the waffle i’ve just gotten through, my question is what does masculinity mean to you and what in particular makes you feel masculine?

I would absolutely love it if you read this email and if it made it into a blog post i’d be amazed, but i know you’ve spoken a bit about the future for young men in tour country, and i figured this is a question you might like to delve into.

Many thanks,

Gray.

Hey. Well woah, I figured I’d reply to this one since I don’t really know my thoughts on this at all. Lots of these questions I have a general immediate answer, but this one I’ve never taken the time to consider.

I guess I don’t really know what masuclinity is. I know where I feel comfortable, where I want to experiment or try new things, where I am aware of the lines between femininity, masculinity and all in between (and even then, I know there’s so much that doesn’t fit in between). And most importantly, I know what makes me feel comfortable or not comfortable in my own skin, and how to feel safe as myself.

What I am aware of is all that masculinity is not. What typical struggles live alongside it that are vibrantly normalised and accepted. Especially in areas I’ve really struggled, such as relationships, communication & mental health.

I’ve witnessed men do and not do things, because they feel they just should. That’s just what men should do.
And that’s where I find my head goes towards when I think of masculinity. All of the things the show Adolescence brought up into discussion, and all of the issues young lads are facing today.

And I guess if I can add anything to this, it’s just saying that the should was invented by people who are just as fucking insecure and as anxious as we all are. We are all people, at the end of the day, and anyone thinks that their gender is anymore valid / important / correct than yours, is a cunt.

Yeah, so I guess I don’t really know, but that’s what comes to mind.

Whatever makes people feel comfortable, and whatever you identify with, do that innit. There’s a million reasons why you feel a certain way about yourself, but you just do, so long as you’re not harming anyone, go for what feels best.

I think Bruce Springsteen looked awesome when he was really strong so then I tried to get really strong and now my arms are a little bit bigger but the gym was fucking boring and made me anxious so I stopped going. That doesn’t make me any less or more of a man. Just means I have slightly different arms.

I guess when it comes to goals to do with your gender, I’d reccommend just making sure they come from a healthy place. Goals that will hopefully make you feel more comfortable and yourself. Long as you know it’s they are coming from there, and not from a place of “oh if I do this I’ll be enough”. Mate you already are enough. Just go towards where you think is genuinely good for you.

Well guys that looks like it’s my opinions on gender identity. I am going to go back to sitting and reading this book. Then I am going to go on a walk. Keep on sending emails to questions@tomswebsite.com, and I’ll see you later. Goodbye!

(PS: If you send me an email, I am only going to use all of what you say in it if you write at the bottom “feel free you use this in the blog”. If you are okay with that, please note that at the bottom of the email! Otherwise, I’ll just quote small phrases from it and the question you’re asking).